Memory Impairment: An Underexposed Feature of 'Ego Dissolution' Paths

Even 'ego dissolution' teachers describe it as a feature, yet rarely disclose it-- let's explore further...

There are many concerningly under-exposed side effects of self-negating/dissolution non-dual ‘awakenings,’ and one of them that has been increasingly surfacing, that I also personally experienced, is memory impairment — reported both by individual experiencers, and ‘non-dual’ ego dissolution teachers themselves (most of whom teach it indiscriminately to the public, for example on Youtube, rarely ever disclosing this serious side effect that they are aware of) ones deemed as ‘awakened’ — and notably, regularly portrayed in many cases, not as a bug, but as a hallmark of success on such a path.

In this reddit thread, an experiencer describes how Adyashanti, one of the most prominent Neo-Advaita teachers (he was once one of mine) known for indiscriminately teaching ego death in best-selling books/Youtube videos, explains in his Oprah list best-selling book “The End of Your World” and in this Youtube video how on the ego (which is portrayed as “the false self”) deconstructive ‘awakening’ path he teaches (indiscriminately with rare disclosures of serious side effects)

““there is a "rewiring of the brain" that occurs, and a significant part of this process is memory loss. Adyashanti says it can get so extreme that people check themselves into the hospital to see if they have dementia.” - Adyashanti

The person who posted about this on Reddit describes how he is experiencing something similar while he is going through an extreme break-down of his sense of self:

Other posters write:

“After this shift happened, my memory became really poor. It felt very effortful to try to remember stuff. I had to hold a job at that time and that became a challenge. I actually had to quit my job shortly after.”

“At one point my memory went really really bad. This was right after the falling away of the false sense of self. I have to constantly write things down, about what I need to do, or I’m likely to forget.”

“If I meet a new person, and he says to call him some time to hang out, I might literally forget that this interaction took place and therefore miss out on an opportunity for a new friendship.”

Jeffrey Martin, who developed the prominent “Finder’s Course” outlining a spectrum of stages up to Stage 4 representing both the most extreme self-loss and highest self-reported level of well-being, corroborates this phenomenon in his research:

“Location 4 and Beyond”

All remaining vestiges of self-related thoughts are gone by this point, as are experiences of emotion. Feelings of deep interconnectedness and union with God, an all pervasive consciousness, and so forth also disappeared.

These participants reported having no sense of agency or any ability to make a decision. It felt as if life was simply unfolding and they were watching the process happen.

Severe memory deficits were common in these participants, including the inability to recall scheduled events that were not regular and ongoing. Participants who progressed to this location from one or more previous ones reported the highest level of well-being.”

Another self-proclaimed ego dissolution ‘awakening’ expert, Jim Tolles - who I once looked to for guidance posted a video on Youtube called Awakening, Forgetfulness & Lack of Concentration

I personally hear about executive functioning impairment like memory loss regularly from people sharing distressing side effects on self-negating non-dual self-dissolution paths, one such message I received:

​​”I was losing memories due to not having solid connection to my history.”

The internet is strewn with folks reaching to one another for help in experiencing distressing memory impairment after following modern non-dual instant enlightenment teachings like the ones that people like Adyashanti teaches to the public. At the bottom of this page you’ll see a list of links to Reddit thread examples.

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In this post I aim here to challenge a common narrative in self-negating, self-referencing-stifling non-duality that adverse effects of this type of awakening, including executive functioning impairment - in this case, memory impairment - is a bug rather than a common feature, one that subsides with time, as well as how to understand this to be a natural/rational side effect, and suggest some important implications, both practical and ethical, that urgently need to be considered in service of one another’s wellbeing. Ultimately, arriving at the suggestion that following these sorts of teachings and pursuing the type of self-dissolution ‘awakening’ being glorified, should not be casually promoted or undertaken, and instead embarked on and taught with caution and with a fully informed consent about the executive functioning impairment that could result.

I’ll start with a supporting example of an exchange between a self-deconstructive ‘non-dual’ satsang leader/teacher, Jac O’Keefe, and one of her followers in which she empathizes with their memory impairment post self/reality de-constructive ‘awakening,’ reporting that she too experiences this kind of executive-functioning impairment from the shifts she has been teaching.

Satsang Exchange on Post-Awakening Memory Impairment

[Source: Retreat Transcript - titled “Memory Loss & Enlightenment”]

Attendee: Often during the day I think, “this isn’t real, this is an illusion…” You had talked about how all the mind is a lie, which I don't have any trouble with, then you had talked about, I think it was yesterday or this morning…that's another thing, I'm having a little more trouble with time and memory…there have been a lot of changes, a lot of things that are different personality wise, I can't remember what.

Jac (guide/leader): Oh listen, it happens to me so often!

Attendee: Friday night there were two or three things that I resonated with, and the next morning I had no idea what they were.

Jac: Yes it's gone. 

Attendee: This happens a lot. 

Jac: Yes it happens a lot. Even this morning… I got up and went to the gym and got lost. I could not find my hotel room this morning. I was just walking around the building thinking, “I haven't a clue.“ Not a clue! I mean, really? It's like, “okay I’ll just walk around and eventually I'll find it.” But it is bizarre, and it's an area I'm interested in. I kind of feel like I'm a bit of an experiment, you know? It's like, “we need to tighten this up so we can function more effectively,” but we're not there yet we're kind of evolving.

We need a bit more memory than what was needed in the ashrams; we do need a bit more memory. We do you know, “come on help us here.” How do we do this, how does the default network burnout, and what's the connection with memory anyway, and how come the friggin thing has to go as well, you know? I know it's just because you're present…but I want to know where my friggin room is, you know? So the present isn’t telling me that.

Attendee: What's frustrating is that I’ll make a commitment and I've already made two commitments for the same time, or I make lists and then I don't know where the list is; I can't find the list. 

Jac: Yes. 

Attendee: I think it's more frequent. In the beginning I was thinking, “okay I'm losing my mind or it's dementia or….,” but I don't think so. 

Jac: No, it's part of the awakening. It's like too much just gets burned out. Give me another year or two and I'll know more about this memory stuff.

Attendee: It creates a lot of frustration. 

Jac: For our spouses and things, yes. 

Attendee: But even with all this confusion and lack of memory I really got clear this morning.

Temporary or Lasting?

It’s certainly important for people considering “instant-enlightenment” paths, to understand whether executive functioning impairment such as memory decline is likely to be temporary or potentially permanent, and since there’s simply not enough research on it, I feel it is negligent for anyone to suggest in a blanket way that it’s absolutely just going to be a phase.

While the ‘non-dual’ teacher above reports elsewhere that she had a “post-awakening” temporary episode of even more extreme memory loss (read at end of post)* in this exchange, she does not suggest that the memory issues causing the participant distress will go away with time. On the contrary, as someone who bases her authority on having been ‘awakened’ for many years, she confesses that all of these years later, she laments, albeit light-heartedly, that she is still experiencing a significant degree of memory impairment (she recounts how during this retreat, she found herself wandering the halls of the hotel, unable to remember where her room is). In another satsang transcript she describes how in the initial fall-out of her self-deconstructive ‘awakening’, “I lost language, I didn't know my name, the date, nothing. It was like Groundhog Day.”

Despite seasoned supposedly ‘enlightened’ people, include spiritual authority figures like this one, frequently confirming that executive functioning impairment like memory loss is simply a side-effect one will need to endure, I regularly hear a common assumption within many communities, among seekers and many other ‘awakening’ guides, that these sorts of effects are temporary, reverseable, and likely to go away with time. Certainly, there’s good reason why people seeking the promised ‘liberation’ from these paths would hope for this to be the case!

Preliminary research, including “Losing Oneself: Persistent Nonduality, Depersonalization, Dissociation, Mental Health, and Memory” now supports that radically eroding one's sense of self, and things like self-referential thoughts, in the context of certain kinds of ‘non-dual’ spirituality, can lead to memory impairment and other lasting, unexpected side effects. Contrary to the narrative that achieving a permanent, or "abiding," awakening will counteract these effects, the above research (which surveyed folks reporting an ‘abiding’ loss of self,) suggest that the longer one’s sense of self remains dramatically diminished or wiped out, the more enduring these cognitive deficits may become.

I can say, from personal experience, that it was only after one year + of eroding my sense of self, that I began to notice increasing memory lapses.

None of this however, says that everyone who goes down such a path will necessary experience this side effect, but it does suggest that it’s rational, and even critical, to assume it will be a distinct possibility.

Impact on Life in a Socially Engaged, Modern Context

I won’t be doing a comprehensive dive into the specific ways that lives are effected by memory impairment post-’awakening,’ but obviously there are serious practical implications of this, especially for those living in complex, responsibility-carrying, socially engaged modern lifestyles—including those with families, children, careers, and a multitude of responsibilities in Western society that rely upon having one’s memory capacities fully functioning. Note: this is the predominant demographic of people following de-contextualized self-negating non-dual teachings in the West today, for example within Neo-Advaita and various ‘instant enlightenment’ movements, where they are promised a kind of immediate, low-effort ‘liberation from suffering via self-negation’ that is portrayed as not requiring leaving one’s ‘householder’ lifestyle.'

For many however, and understandably, such teachings and the radical shifts in sense of self and reality they lead to, due to many unexpected side effects, are often found to be highly incompatible with their societal, relationship, and family roles, and that they can be extremely detrimental not just to their own functioning and wellbeing, including maintaining a career, but also adversely impacting the wellbeing of others around them, including children, partners, to the point of being deeply distressing to the experiencer, even to the point of crisis and feeling regret for going down this path.

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Relevant comments on the above Jim Tolles Youtube video on post-awakening memory loss writes:

“I’ve been getting this memory loss lately and it’s so freaking difficult to deal with, especially when you’re a month from your driving exams… Today on my lesson I totally screwed up. Also at traineeship where I need to remember things as a logistics planner, I almost can’t do it.”

“I was studying for a degree in horticulture before this all happened and i'm faced with the situation of having to resit 2 exams.”

Other commenters suggest:

“Try to take a break from doing things that feel challenging for example driving and going to work.”

“Of course, this might be impractical for some things, like holding a job that requires not being forgetful. A small price to pay i suppose.”

It stands out glaringly of course, that many people do not have the luxury of being able to take such time off, or not work, and that other people like one’s children could be negatively impacted by the inability to drive or work. All the more reason why anyone teaching such shifts has a moral responsibility to inform those they are teaching about the possibility of such a need that they should consider if they are prepared for, and I’ve rarely if ever seen this happen in the non-dual teaching world.

One post-ego dissolution memory loss experiencer astutely notes:

“I'm lucky not to have to get up and go do a fast-paced job everyday!”

Which this commenter would certainly attest to:

“After this shift happened, my memory became really poor. It felt very effortful to try to remember stuff. It also felt effortful to read and focus. I had to hold a job at that time and that became a challenge. I actually quit my job shortly after.”

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There are many important implications of all of this, and just one is that encouraging self-erasure, without concern for the needs and safety of individuals in modern society who rely on memory, readily-available self-referential thought, and full executive functioning in their daily lives, is negligent, and reckless.

Note how in the first satsang exchange, that while the guide expresses annoyance with and commiserates with memory impairment, she shows no sense of concern or consideration for how this erosion of a critical facet of cognitive functioning may compromise one’s safety, health, livelihood, etc. nor suggests any need for intervention, or alterations to the degree of self-erosion individuals are pursuing. In fact she actually minimizes the importance of having a fully functioning memory. I’ve seen this apathy around serious side effects, including others like alienation, empathy and agency erosion, de-personalization, anhedonia etc. be treated non-chalantly in a way that encourages indifference, and then of course to complicate matters, there's the common narrative/portrayal by spiritual leaders and seekers that such changes are to be seen as signs of success, and even in many cases celebrated, such that people are encouraged not to consider any kind of intervention.

Re: Memory impairment being spiritualized/portrayed as success/worthy sacrifice this Reddit poster was told that he was experiencing “divine amnesia”

“Since my awakening..i've noticed my short term and long term memory has been getting increasingly worse..by orders of magnitude. I don't see this as a bad thing, it's encouraging because i've heard terms like 'divine amnesia' to describe what happens when you focus less on the past/future and more on the present. For example, as I type this post I can't really remember what happened yesterday..when I go to look I can't find anything it just comes up a blank, there's also an unwillingness to 'try' and look.”

And another case:

“If its getting worse for you (those memories issues) with time..it might be a good thing in the sense that you are less and less identified with time, with the past, with a self etc.

“The more I let go and trusted that I no longer need concern myself with remembering anything or predicting anything, the smoother the ride.”

I find it deeply concerning and dangerous when folks (especially societally-engaged ones) are led to believe in spiritual communities and by teachers, that not having a fully functioning memory as healthy adults (often young folks) is not only no big deal, but even something to celebrate.

The Need for Transparent Disclosure of Effects like Memory Impairment

While there are plenty of cases where self-dissolving ‘awakening’ guides will sporadically discuss these sorts of side effects with their audiences, there is glaring lack of transparency in consistently disclosing serious side effects like memory impairment, in this case one that is a clear sign of decline in executive functioning. From where I stand, if those teaching shifts in perception that they’re aware tend to lead to these kinds of effects, and even admit to personally experiencing themselves, they have a moral obligation to make it known from the get-go, in a consistent and appropriately-timed manner (i.e. before they guide people into these shifts, not after!) so that people have the opportunity for fully informed consent to undergoing the ‘awakening’ process the teacher is offering themselves as a guide for. It seems to go without saying, that most people would appreciate knowing that they could reasonably expect to incur cognitive decline including damage to something as important as memory, even if temporarily, and would welcome the ability to review the potential costs/benefits of these paths in support of making a wise decision about whether or not to follow the teachings in pursuit of so-called ‘liberation via self-negation.’ It’s high time to challenge the ubiquitous narrative that pursuing a loss of self through self-negating ‘non-dual’ pointers, teachings, etc. should be a no-brainer/something to casually or capriciously throw oneself into.

The Role of the Default Mode Network (DMN)

There is a clear way to understand, from a scientific angle, why these memory impairment occurs on paths that It was no secret to the satsang leader in the above exchange, that self-deconstructive spiritual paths that feature a radical diminishment and even seek out a cessation of all self-referential/self-reflective thought. Neuro-science reveals that the Default Mode Network (DMN) is the area of the brain activated during self-referential and self-reflective thought (and interestingly, empathy!) - precisely what these spiritual paths explicitly seek to radically diminish or altogether stop, and successfully lead to at least extended episodes of DMN in/de-activation. Most relevant to this blog post, the functional role of the DMN is to support memory consoldiation and recall, including auto-biographical memory. Subsequently, when it’s ability to regularly/consistently activate when appropriate, is diminished, this will naturally leads to memory disruptions. One thing that this understanding supports, is one of the reasons why it is logical for memory impairment to be a common feature that one should be prepared for, rather than something to be seen merely as an anomolous bug of radically referential thought stifling, and permanent identity-deconstruction paths.

Related Post:

Perils of Drastically In-Activating the Brain's Default Mode Network

Some Questions for Ethical & Practical Consideration

If one cares about ethically promoting teachings with potentially disabling side effects, to what extent should there be clearer disclaimers on commonly experienced cognitive impacts?

What are the implications of spiritualizing ongoing cognitive functioning decline? Might it be worth challenging the assumption that spiritual “success” should entail persistent cognitive or functional impairments, especially when people are attempting to remain within fully functioning, socially-engaged, responsibility-carrying modern lives?

Ultimately these kinds of discussions can raise awareness and encourage a more honest dialogue, dispel myths that prevent people from making fully informed decisions, and leave them unprepared for any blind-sided by cognitive functioning impairments. It also will minimize the disturbing trend of spiritual teachers and communities gaslighting, dismissing, belittling people who report feeling harmed by these teachings and shifts they lead to, by insisting that it’s due to their own inadequacies - for example that they’ve done something wrong, haven’t actually experienced the shifts, or must have been mentally unstable - when on the contrary, considering all of the above, experiencing effects like cognitive functioning impairment, suggest they have done doing everything right!

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**A quote from the same teacher, regarding her initial episodic dysfuction post-awakening, from a separate satsang transcript:

“I lost language, I didn't know my name, the date, nothing. It was like Groundhog Day.”

Reddit threads with people discussing their memory loss during/post so-called ‘non-dual’ ‘ego dissolution’ ‘awakenings’

https://www.reddit.com/r/awakened/comments/2livx6/memory_loss/

https://www.reddit.com/r/awakened/comments/a09dxk/anyone_else_experience_memory_loss/

https://www.reddit.com/r/nonduality/comments/wda54g/how_to_cope_with_memory_problems_as_a_side_effect/

Losing Memory & Hope For the Future: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonduality/comments/1671aq5/losing_memory_and_hope_for_the_future/

Research:

Complexities & Challenges of Non-duality - Research by Elizabeth Stephens

Losing Oneself: Persistent Nonduality, Depersonalization, Dissociation, Mental Health, and Memory - Research by Elizabeth Stephens

Default Mode Network Links

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S169726002200028X

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0301051112000713